I started dabbling in martial arts in my early 20’s as a way to stay active and learn a thing or two that might help me through a vulnerable situation. First it was boxing, followed by sport karate, then Krav Maga, and finally, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ).
My initial interest in martial arts was sparked in the mid-90’s. It was New Year’s Eve and my friend invited me to her adult sister’s house for a party. I don’t remember which exact UFC was on PPV, but recall it was a single digit one. While everyone else was drinking and celebrating the New Year, I was glued to the television and couldn’t believe all of the different styles of fighting. Growing up in Indiana, my only exposure to fighting was wrestling, boxing and karate. I wanted to learn more and train, but back then there weren’t really any options for a pre-teen girl. The closest thing was being a manager for the boys wrestling team or a local karate class at the one dojo in town and I couldn’t drive yet so that was out.
Fast forward to 2015. I by then I was nearly 5 years into training at Indy Krav Maga. I enjoyed the training but was also hitting a plateau. I tested out of the first couple of levels, but higher level classes meant more aggressive and physical contact. It was also clear that my higher-level classmates had no desire to be paired of with the 5’0″ lady who could easily be sent flying across the room while trying to hold pads for a strong partner. The other women who made it that far were honestly so much tougher and a little closer in size to the men. It was about this time when a well respected BJJ World Champ started offering classes at the school
One of my tough Krav baddies, Sheri, was the first woman to join their classes and would eventually convince me to try. I found it overwhelming but intriguing. Sure there was still a huge size difference, but the ground seemed to level the playing field, and I liked the strategy aspect compared to relying so much on brute force.
I would go on to earn my blue belt in December of 2016, with hopes of someday earning a black belt. Life had other plans which included the diagnosis of compressed vertebrae/pinched nerve, a challenging master’s degree, a called-off engagement, move to Chicago, surgery and a pandemic.
Fast forward to 2022. I moved north of Chicago and found a fantastic place to train. The instructor is humble, the environment feels safe from toxic egos, and I’m learning more than ever. While a lot has changed, the belt tied around my waist has not. It’s still the same blue belt I received that winter day back in 2016, just with a few more pieces of tape.
What has changed is my mindset. I used to care so much about belt color and wanted so desperately to move up the ranks. But in the past, I didn’t train with true intent and didn’t put in the work. I would show up and go through the motions, but not truly study and work on my game. Kind of parallel to my master’s degree (which I’ll talk about in another post). I’d waste time being jealous of my peers who were cruising up the ranks instead of investing that time into being mindful with my BJJ practice. Not to mention I didn’t have tangible goals.
I’ve started to shift this story and finally mustered up the courage to compete, not once, but twice. I lost three of my matches and won one. Maybe a losing record isn’t something to be proud of, but I am because it shows that I put myself out there, and I’m not afraid to lose, hell I have nothing to lose.
Fitting in to the culture is still a struggle. I am not a spitfire like the young women coming into the sport now and I still get tapped at a frustrating rate. Sometimes others make it clear that my presence is not valued. For example, while standing in line to weigh-in for my match at this most recent tournament a gentleman took the liberty to cut in front of me. And I still get bummed out when people don’t ask me to roll, but I keep swallowing my pride and working through the anxiety.
As I get close to my 6 year blue belt anniversary, I’ve learned to cherish this it. To know that it’s a reflection of a fumbled journey, a humble reminder that I still “suck” but that I have the opportunity to continue growing and developing my skill. That even though as a 40-year-old woman, I can still keep up (somewhat) and that I will continue to progress at the pace that only I can dictate. A belt that I used to so eagerly want to move on from has now become a symbol of possibility and regular reminder that I am solely responsible for my journey and progress.
kpfled: 